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Thursday, August 11, 2022
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The Papa Files: Wrong Wrong Wrong

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I’ve said this before, and I’ll probably say it again – because I’m just stupid that way – but I feel really serious about it this time: I swear that I will no longer buy clothes from the internet. Over the last couple of years I bought a ball cap, but the front was smooshy, not like the picture, which showed a stiff crown. I bought sunglasses that was supposed be polarized and have UV protection, and did not – I could tell as soon as I got in the car. I bought T-shirts that weren’t sewn with a lowered neckline in the front, and so it tried to choke me as soon as I put one on. (And yes, I tried it on backwards to see if they had simply stamped the info on the wrong side, but no, it didn’t get better.) And I bought what I now call corset socks, which had a narrow middle, for arch support I guess, that was so tight that my toes tingled with pre-numbness.

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Therefore I knew the risks of buying internet clothes. Still, there is the alure of not having to travel to a store, or stores, to find what you need, or suffering the aggravation of discovering the shelves are bare of the make and model of your preferred apparel. So I tried again, three more times, on Amazon of course.

I ordered a shirt. It was dark red with black patterns, kind of a Hawaiian design, large. When I got it, it was extra-large. Perhaps I can use it as something like a short robe in the morning, but I’m not wearing it outside! It was made in China, with a brand name of Coofandy.

I ordered pants. It was made in Bangladesh but had the brand name Wrangler. The size was right, but I had clicked on the brown color, and what I got was green. Not grass green, more of a gray-green, but it wasn’t brown!

I ordered shoes. I’ve spent years walking the house in slippers, so my feet are wider than they used to be. Therefore, I now always look for (but seldom find) wide shoes. I found them, Skechers, made in Vietnam, and checked the wide box. They sent me extra-wide. It took me thirty seconds to figure out that if I wore them for thirty minutes, I’d have blisters on my Achilles’ tendons.

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I’m sure the clothes didn’t come directly from those countries, but from a warehouse here in the States. However, sizes are sizes, and colors are colors, so how can they get them so wrong? Who’s running the warehouse? They didn’t have what I ordered, so they just sent whatever? “Hey, we don’t have large, so send him the extra-large.” Same with the extra-wide shoes, and the green pants.

Perhaps I simply haven’t yet discovered the best brand on the best site that suits my needs. So I researched, and after a few false starts, I finally typed in “American made 100 percent cotton men’s button-down short sleeve shirts” and found a place I recognized, Bass Pro Shop. According to them, all their clothes are MIA (Made In America) and yes I’m very aware that those letters have another meaning. Or perhaps it should stand for Missing In America.

I don’t know if I’m going to order anything, though. I’m still leery with disappointment. And besides, just because something is made here, doesn’t mean they can’t screw up the order. Who’s in charge of that warehouse?

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