Items of the Fifth Element

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Items of the Fifth Element

Mon, 06/29/2020 - 11:50
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The Papa Files

by VINCENT CARDEGIN

Award Winning Columnist

   Item: I just discovered I have creepey neck skin.  (I prefer to spell it creepey.)  I was giving myself a headcut (the proper term for both scalp and face) and was trimming the two-months’ worth of longish hairs on my neck when suddenly my Wahl barber shears nicked me right above my Adam’s apple.  Thinking it was my fault, that I’d pushed too hard, I continued and again felt the sting of nipped skin.  Now absolutely sure it was Wahl’s fault—I needed to buy a new set of sheers—I reangled the cutting edge and very, very carefully drew blood a third time.  That’s when I put my glasses on and looked closely in the mirror and found that my neck has micropleats, folds of skin thin enough to slide into the teeth of the cutters.  Holy dirty dungarees, when did that happen?  I knew I had wrinkles and saggy bits, but not creepeys!   And dang it all, I haven’t bought septic sticks since I don’t know when, probably the eighties.  I had to use bits of tissue to stop the slow beads of red.  I won’t be able to shave there with my new Braun wet dry rechargeable until the scabs are gone.  The moral of this: Check your neck texture before you barber.

   Item: After years and years of wondering, I finally know how to turn on a Lightsaber.  I imagined it as a push button, or a sliding button, or perhaps like the little lever on an M16.   Turns out it’s a ring around the top of the handle that you rotate to the left.  Saw it at the very end of Star Wars Episode 9.  Still I’m curious, does anyone ever accidentally shut it off while fighting?  Has anyone ever clumsily turned it on and cut off their toes while getting ready for work after eating space eggs and toast?  I know I’ve turned off the volume of my phone when digging in a pocket for keys, and turned on the car alarm when digging for my phone.

   Item: The other week I bought a pair of pants and didn’t find out what style it was until I washed it and clipped it to one of my wood and wire hangers.  Good grief, the legs were nearly half the width of regular pants!  It used to be, long ago, I could simply grab my size from a hook or shelf and not worry about it flapping around (loose fit) or eventually wearing away the hairs from my legs (slim fit—which is what I bought this time).  I don’t want to notice clothes at all.  Garments should never interfere with going about one’s business.  So add that to my precheck list of apparel purchases.  And yes, I donated the pants.

   Item: Why isn’t cornbread available at grocery stores?  Oh I’m sure it can’t be in bags like loaves, though I don’t know why, but I keep hoping to find square or round trays of my favorite grain at Exwork, if not in the shelves, then on the tables next to pies and cakes.  Whatever legume soup I’m in the mood for, pea or bean, I always want buttered cornbread, but I don’t want to make it.

   Item: Why does plastic make box cutters and scissors go dull faster than cardboard and paper?  I’m talking about the tape on boxes and the plastic wrapped around pallets of mulch and mega packs of TP.

   Item: If suddenly your passwords don’t work, make sure you didn’t accidentally push the Caps Lock key.

   Item: I keep finding little bits of glue on the side of my cans of beer.  Slovenly work, Miller.

   Item: Exactly what are the germs of the .1% that Lysol doesn’t kill?

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