humor

Warmers

Twenty weeks ago I wrote about using my wife’s hair blower to finish drying myself off after showering.  About three weeks later I discovered another use for that amazing device.

The Papa Files by Vincent Cardegin

We had two trucks last night, yet this morning we only had seven pallets of new freight; usually it’s around fifteen. Four were charcoal, one was skyrat food, one was solid-packed with weed killer, and the last was six feet of various boxes.  Later, Senor Cargador pulled another eyebrow-high pallet of mixed items from the annex.  We worked on freight all day, and when I left at three, half of the annex pallet was still on the patio.

The Papa Files by Vincent Cardegin

When I was in the military, my GI pants had buttons.  I didn’t like it.  I was used to zippers.  Later, after snagging myself in those little metal teeth on a pair of civies, I was convinced buttons were better.  Besides, a broken zipper is impossible to fix, while a button requires simple sewing.  But try to find buttoning pants at Exwork!  However, that’s not the kind of buttons I’m now fixated on.

The Mouthwash Solution

The other week, my wife went shopping for her mother, my mother-in-law Gooma.  She’s eighty-nine and doesn’t drive anymore, and doesn’t much care for being pushed through aisles in her portable wheelchair.  Oh, she’ll join her daughters, granddaughters, and great granddaughter for a girls’ day out, but shopping for groceries is no longer fun when she can’t do it by herself.

The Papa Files

Frauline Alles-Uberal and I worked together almost all day, in Garden with freight and in Seasonal with Valentine plush.  She kept making me laugh with her grumblings of frustration at how every time she turned around someone had messed with the plush, knocking them off the shelves, mainly the larger stuffed animals.  (Those things are top-heavy anyway, hard to stock, and don’t need much help to fall over.)  She started talking about getting a hammer and smackin’ shoppers.  “Don’t touch it unless you’re going to buy it!” she wanted to say.

Items of the Sixth Sense

Item: The wooden rocking chair in my living room rocks more and more these days.  But there’s no ghost sitting in it.  It’s my wife’s male cat, whom I call Stirfry, resting a paw on the right back runner.  I think he’s discovered that he can move what is to him a large object with just a gentle push, the chair is so well balanced.  It used to be, when he was a teen cat, he sometimes fought behind that chair with his sister; ears back, tails twitching, they rose up and jumped

The Papa Files by Vincent Cardegin

The next day we toured the falls and spent another night there.  We didn’t see Thoris at all.  The following morning she came back while we were getting ready to leave.  We made kissy sounds, and I ‘mer-owed’ and even ‘m’owed’ to get her to come into the camper so we could grab her, but she remained aloof, always sniffing the air.  After pushing the pullout beds in and cranking down the top of the camper, I tried to get her to come back in the car.  She would not.  I chased after her, but she was faster than I’d ever seen her run.  I now think she pulled

Canine Accostations

Both my kids have pests—I mean pets.  One has four dogs, two old and small, and two new and tall.  The other has two dogs, one as big as a Shetland pony that doesn’t know when it’s pooping, the other not much bigger than a gopher and barks all the time when I’m there, and three cats, one afraid of everything, one sometimes curious, and an elderly feline, a rescue, that I recognize as an old soul that needs some nip every day.

Don’t Move!

  I remember dropping a glass on the kitchen floor circa 1964 and reaching down to pick up the broken pieces.  Dad was off doing military things, and mom was working at a nursery.  I don’t know where my sister and brother were—probably ignoring the sound of something shattering.  It was either a weekend or a day of summer vacation, but it was late afternoon and I was getting a drink of water after watching something on TV in the small room Dad called the den.  I watched a lot of late-night monster movies there.  I now have a vague recollection of some PBS