Items of the Fourth Estate

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Items of the Fourth Estate

Fri, 12/06/2019 - 14:03
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GOOFY STUFF

by VINCENT CARDEGIN

AWARD WINNING COLUMNIST

Item:  My grandson, Rex, stopped by with all his gear after baseball the other day and we played Wicket Pong, previously known as Cricket Ping Pong.  After he beat me two owls to two thimbles, basically 8-2 in ten twelve-tile games, I found something on the table that I thought was an elbow guard.  I asked him about it, wondering aloud as I fitted it to the bend of my arm if he had two of them.  As a catcher he had lately been hit on the arm by ball and bat, and I had suggested he get some extra protection.  He informed me he only had one, and that the thing was his cup.  I washed my hands, washed my elbow, and later when no one was looking I sprayed myself with Lysol, and thanked goodness I hadn’t gone with my first idea that it was a nose, mouth, and chin guard.  Hey it was glossy black with prints of red and other colors and full of holes.  The last one I wore was dull white and solid.

Item:  The street in front of New House is busier than I anticipated, with vehicles speeding by with unthinking drivers.  I’m a grandparent with no kids or grandkids living here, so the traffic shouldn’t bother me, but it does because I mow.  It’s a psychological game every time: should I start at the front of the house and finish at the street so if I get hit the lawn will be done, or should I start at the street first so if I get hit I won’t have to mow?  It’s something I shouldn’t have to ponder.  I am a firm believer in stop lights and stop signs and speed bumps.  I want the last two at the corner that’s one house down to the left from mine, a four-way, and extra bumps to the right, say every ten yards.

Item:  Dear daughter Ricochet, our backyard is cluttered with garden, and your sister Cocoa Bean’s is full of pool, so yours is where we’ll play Wiffle Cricket.  We gotta get Wiffle cricket balls, Wiffle cricket bats, and Wiffle wickets.  We’ll need extra wiff in our wiffles so the balls can’t go too far.  It’s a backyard game, you know.  P.S. I just discovered that Net World Sports has a backyard Cricket set.  It’s not Wiffle, but it’s light-weight plastic.  I want that for my birthday.

Item:  Attention Willow HD (Spectrum channel 835) please add more information on the screen, like where the game is being played, what time it is there, and if you’re showing a replay.  Especially that.  Also, I’d like to know exactly who the teams are, for I haven’t memorized every flag and not every team’s shirt shows it.  All that info should be displayed at the beginning of every Over.  And hey island Cricket fans, stop blowing horns and I’ll stop muting the TV.

Item:  I’m never going to shave my face again.  Yeah, I’ve said that before, but this last time, during the middle of high-dewpoint summer, I scraped myself clean, looked in the mirror and thought my chin had shrunk.  It turns out my cheeks are hanging lower.  I knew I had saggy bits on my face, but good grief!  Oh, I’ll trim with scissors and even shears, but no close crop or razors ever again!  

Item:  How come astronomy isn’t spelled astrology, like all the other ologies.  I suppose it’s not important, but it bugs me.  I think we should change the meanings.  Or change all the other spellings: Biolomy, archeolomy, paleontolomy, psycholomy, etc.  No, it’d be easier to flip just those two: Astrology should be the scientific study of the cosmos, and Astronomy the Zodiacal pastime of prediction.

Item:  Doubleday (actually Cartwright) got it wrong.  If you want a faster paced and therefore more exciting baseball game, I propose that every base is a point.  Bases loaded and the next batter strikes out to end their half of the inning, that’s still six points.  Also, a hit against the wall is four points, and into the stands is five.

Item:  I was painting a length of wood in the dining room during some project and dribbled white latex on the table.  I grabbed two tissues to wipe it up, and when I tossed them, they came apart and landed on the floor on either side of the trashcan.  Increasingly I have days like that.

Item:  I have very light tan carpet in my office, and I hate it.  I want dark brown carpet, or rip the carpet up and put in dark brown tile.  I just want to be able to find the clippings on the floor after trimming my toenails

Item:  Lampreys have been around for 326 million years.  How does something not go extinct during evolution?  What extraordinary DNA do they have?  You paleontology et al folks look into that.

Item:  I think I might start making baseballs.  Every time a ball touches the ground, MLB uses a new one.  It must be a lucrative business.  

 

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